The Long Goodbye...
As we prepare for our next PCS, I am reminded that military life is full of goodbyes. Leaving extended family, leaving locations, leaving jobs, leaving for deployments, and the list goes on. We all know this is just part of the package. There is one inevitable goodbye that we sometimes overlook but is always on the horizon - your military member’s date-of-separation. Whether it is a retirement date at 20+ years or separation after just one tour, you will eventually have to say goodbye. The military, by its nature, is largely made up of younger members of the working population. There are far fewer people above the age of 40 than the average workforce simply based on age and time-in-service limits. Therefore, we see a microcosm of society that isn’t indicative of society as a whole. Only a tiny handful of people stay in until a true retirement age some time in their 60s, rather than separating at an age when a second career is on the horizon. Even those around base who the youngest airmen think are “old” are far from it. Thus, we will all face an inevitable goodbye from this community at some point in the future and every other goodbye until then is just practice.
Learn to do it on your own terms…
My dear husband and I were out for a walk one day, discussing how many people we know are moving this summer and he said the Jeff Foxworthy bit, “You might be a redneck if…” came to his mind. “You might be a military spouse if…” does have a truthful ring to it when military spouses get together to compare notes. You might be a military spouse if you are already making a list of whom to call to get good school information for your next duty station before orders are cut, if you already have a tentative moving checklist that has evolved from the last 5 or 10 moves, or if you already know the best way to tell each person how you will miss them. Sometimes these experience-inspired plans are made happily, especially if you are excited about your new duty station.
Sometimes the mood is somber, because the impending goodbye will be hard. If you can plan a farewell in your head in the school pick-up line you have probably mastered the art of goodbye. You know how you will need to pack. You know you will run out of time before you see everyone because the end date will come quickly, and you know how and why you will make the best of the new place. Finally, you know the unknown can be intimidating but you say goodbye anyway because practice makes perfect.
Decide to be good at it…
Every aficionado military spouse knows that sometimes limits to living in one place for too long can be a huge blessing. What if you have overcommitted or are ready for a new adventure? What if your new place has amazing schools or a new opportunity? What if you leave the hottest part of the country right before the middle of summer? Sometimes the opportunity to leave can be wonderful. The trick to discovering the positives is to see hope on your horizon. Some might wonder what having hope for new opportunities has to do with making them more resilient in their current situation. Those who are able to find the positive in their tomorrow are also generally the people who can find the value in their today. They know they should appreciate what they have now because one day they may miss is terribly.
This goes for deployments too...
Navy spouse Marie Angela tells a poignant story about her time as a young military spouse entitled “I Love My Husband More Than You Love Yours.” She writes about a time before she could recognize and appreciate the value of her current environment. She thought the spouses on the dock the day her husband’s squadron went to sea were heartless and cold as she stood and cried, begging him to stay, while the seasoned spouses smiled and waved. At subsequent spouse gatherings, while the other spouses were planning the vacations they were going to take, she was appalled, misunderstanding what these spouses were feeling. She did not see what they already understood until much later. The sooner her husband left, the sooner she could adjust her schedule, and the sooner he would come home. She figured out that living in self-imposed misery was a pointless way to pass the time. Sometimes the goodbye we dread is simply getting us closer to the end we can look forward to.
Strategize for the long game…
If you knew something difficult but rewarding was going to be gone one day, would you choose to feel differently about it in the present? There is no way to go back and change how you handled past events, but you can learn better how to consider and appreciate what you have. I used to ask my family, on one of our nights when we were actually able to sit down to dinner together, to tell me 3 positive things that happened that day. Some days it is harder than others to remember the positives when it is so easy for the negative to crowd your mind. You may be trying to rush your military member’s time, but the day they join you are simply on a journey towards your goodbye, so remember to consider what you will miss rather than the things you hate.
Think about how you can make this period in your life great without pining away for the unknown. This time is all part of one long journey towards the return to civilian life and no matter how you feel today, both lives will hold unforeseen challenges. Even some of the most eager to “leave the military life” spouses discover they are truly sad when it is their military member’s final farewell or retirement ceremony. Look for the great in your life today. You will want to remember it fondly one day.
As I say a sad goodbye for now to this blog, I must express my gratitude to Verenice and the MSAN team for allowing me to share with you all for the last 12 months. It has been an honor!
Marie Angela’s wonderful blog:
